gayathri

so my eyes have been bothering me a lot lately. Turns out the move and dropping from Allegra back to Claritin isnt working so well, and I'm now having allergic issues around my eyes, which is coating my lenses and making it hard to see.

Go the the eye dr last week and she rules out an infection, tho if I dont get the allergy under control, its going to turn into one. This resulted in a renewed effort to actually finish cleaning my room and being diligent about getting all my clothes washed and not dusty, as well as being diligent about taking care of my contacts and eyes.

this week went to get the rest of the eye exam done now that the allergy was more under control - the scarey news: astigmatism is _worse_, and I need stronger lenses, and my nearsightedness is actually making the glaucoma test read false positive. EEK!

the best part was finding that my contacts are considered 'medically necessary'.

sitting in the office after having my eyes dialated, no contacts, left me effectively blind in a strange place with no friends or family near by. This was _terrifying_ in one of those ways that made me want to disassociate to get through it.

It brought up a lot of fear and pain around the memories of growing up, going steadily blind. every four months, my glasses got thicker and thicker. I started to secretly learn Braille, and figure out how to keep my clothes and money sorted. I could walk throught my entire house as a child with my eyes closed, and learned how to not walk into walls by feeling the airpressure difference as one got closer. I played the violin, and started memorizing music because I knew someday that might be what I'd have to do to earn a living... I incessantly read stories about people who'd gone blind and what they could still do to try and stave off my fear.

The raging headache, and tiredness from the stress of the test did not make me a good companion yesterday, but I'm thankful for