i woke up sick...

[gayathri]

to my stomach. I'm holding in a lot of emotions, of course, and holidays are always rough. But the dominant one today is anger. I'm so so angry about feeling so disposable. I'm also angry about the timing, or lack thereof.

The 'layoff' meeting yesterday took a whopping 12 minutes. My actual manager said nothing to me, and the head of the division kept telling me how he's been doing 'well in placing' the people who've been let go.

I know at least three who still dont have jobs who were laid off earlier this year. The last straw was when they started asking me about my coding skills. I said quietly that I'd gotten into business development and operations to get away from coding, because I have no talent for it, or desire to do it. (yea, my managers at CSC have no idea what it is that I do.)

I took the paperwork and drove straight home and crawled into bed.

Last night, P made me go for a long walk and we had dinner together and I napped on his chest again while he watched a movie, that was fine, but my blood sugar dropped in middle of the night -- I hadnt compensated for the exercise correctly, so I woke up today a little wrecked. I have to keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time, one breath at a time, and when I get this angry, to breathe in and breathe out, and let it go.

(because of course, the anger gets in the way of me actually DOING anything useful.)

Today's To Do: drafts of functional resume for engineering gigs, draft resume and coverletter for shazear 's leads.

Comments

[gayathri.livejournal.com]

thanks so much, D! I really appreciate the good vibes!!