feeling rather foolish

[gayathri]

I know, I am a saladhead, but I really think that one can get out of the practice of being able to know how people actually feel about you.I spent a lot of time around people who _said_ they loved me, or cared for me, but their actions were not of those words.

SO I have a disconnect - I know intellectually and down in my bones that someone can:

• love me, and not care about me
• care for me, and not love me, or be in love with me
• love me and not be in love with me
• be in lust with me, and not want anything past that

So, in my head, someone could love me, want to submit, bottom, play, spend a ton of time with me, but that doesnt necessarily mean they love me, are in love with me, want to be in a committed relationship with me, want to be partners.

even if we're _acting_ like it, for some reason, the disconnect is I didnt realize it, until they actually said it.

Sometimes, I really am an engineer - I want the scope, the requirements, the measurements, the error percentage allowed, and relationships really arent like that.

I'm grateful for the people in my life who are willing to put up with my complete and utter saladheadedness.
 

Comments

[stuberyl.livejournal.com]

Thanks for saying this. I often feel the same (or a similar) disconnect.

[dagdas-nemain.livejournal.com]

I'm not an engineer. I'm just very cynical.

When Leonard told me he loved me, I think I said
something like: "Thank you. That's nice to hear."

Saying it isn't good enough for me. It's just words.
I had heard those words plenty of times before...So what?

He was annoyed that I didn't appreciate his declaration.

He had to get my actual attention by saying: "I'm 46 years old.
You are only the 3rd person I have ever said that to, and I am
still with the other two after more that 20 years. When I say
I love you, it means I am committed to loving you forever!"

OH! THEN I got it. That was 12 years ago.

So yeah, don't feel all alone in your saladheadedness.
I too am very grateful for the patience of my loved ones.

[phoenixdufeu.livejournal.com]

I care about you very much, Gayathri :)

[gayathri.livejournal.com]

i have a bed for you! :)

[mrsgravegoods.livejournal.com]

To some degree I think this kind of disconnect is inevitable. I mean, love is complicated given that it manifests in an absolutely unique way each and every time it shows up. Likewise, I think it is normal to wish it were otherwise. I mean, love is chaos and chaos is...uh...chaotic.

Of course, maybe I am just wishing it was normal because I relate and am compelled to try and make myself fit into a 'normal' mold. ;o)

'sides, your saladhead is tasty and full of nifty vitamins. *nibble*

[gayathri.livejournal.com]

we're not normal! it is ok tho. Love and being in love have such baggage associated with them, and such different meanings for different people. I dont ever expect anyone to have the same one for it as I do, or that one should follow the other.

[irishkitty.livejournal.com]

i will agree with all but the first set "love me, and not care about me". Not quite sure how that can happen as loving someone (in my head) means caring about them.

No, love and relationships do not come with Ikea furniture instructions - place slot A into slot B, tighten right 3rd screw only after connecting rods are firmly in place. ta daaa = a table! relationships are more like free style cooking - a lil bit of this, a lil bit of that, a dash of this, taste - mmmm needs some more spice - oh look - a fabulous caserole! and inevitably someone says 'what IS it" and you say - well a caserole of course! and they look at you and go ok, but really what IS it? And then you go on to explain all the ingredients and they go OH! THAT type of caserole. (did i just make any sense???!!)